Job Application; Occultist

stars-2354296_1920My cousin recently advertised for a trainee. Thought it couldn’t hurt to apply…


I would like to apply for your recently advertised post for an Occultist. Given that there are no official or nationally recognised qualifications for this role, I thought perhaps it best to just highlight my experience and expertise in this field.

I have been a practising Occultist for a number of years now. I was introduced to this specialist profession as an infant, by a group of modern-day Devil Worshippers whom my parents knew, so it has been a part of my life from a very young age. Respecting my wishes to not be sacrificed as a child, my parents indoctrinated me into the ‘artform’ and from then on my skills were encouraged and honed.

My abilities are quite far-reaching and I have become proficient in all areas of Fortune-Telling (or Sooth-Saying, if you prefer the Latin), and have a keen interest in Telekinetics. Especially when used to frighten the shit out of people.

My particular strengths are the summoning of spirits (chiefly those of people who’ve died from communicable diseases), and setting fire to stuff just by staring at it.

I have recently written and published my own book; ‘Cauldron Recipes for the Suburban Witch’, and later this year am hoping to become the first Occultist to climb Scafell Pike by means of Levitation.

I hope that’s given you an insight (no pun intended) into my knowledge and suitability for the role. I’m sure I would be a productive member of your team, especially as Séances always work best with a small group.

I very much look forward to hearing from you; by email, post or telepathically.

Kind regards…….

Dear Readers. Unfortunately, my application was unsuccessful on account of my mis-reading the job description. My cousin makes and fits false eyes. She’s an Occularist people. An OCCULARIST. She requires a trainee Occularist.

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