On seeing an old photo of myself wearing a military issue gas mask, a lovely friend has suggested I audition for the Alternative Metal band ‘Slipknot’. Why I had a photo of myself wearing a military issue gas mask matters not at this point. Suffice to say it did not serve its purpose, it smelt worse than the odour I was trying to protect myself from and left quite a sting as I tried to remove it and the blasted thing kept snapping back on to my face.
But in the hope that I could have a modern shiny new gas mask, coupled with the fact that my foxtrot classes are coming to an end, I thought it would be lovely to have a new hobby and playing in a hardcore band sounds just the ticket;
I hope this finds you boys well. And I hope it’s not inappropriate for me to contact you via letter, I do feel it offers a personal touch and always lovely for you as the recipient to receive and open post, providing you didn’t eat it first.
Anyway, let’s get straight to the purpose; I would like to join your band. I own a military issue gas mask and a friend suggested I would be perfect for your little troop. Now, some of my friends, both of my neighbours, and my entire family, may be slightly surprised that I’m applying, but I can assure you, once I put my gas mask on it really does transform my look.
Now, there are a couple of matters I would like to clarify before I committed to being a member of your band. My gas mask has seen better days, and if you don’t mind me mentioning it, so have some of you. I wondered if I would be expected to buy my own replacement, if I’d be entitled to a ‘work-clothes’ allowance, or if indeed it would be tax-deductible and therefore could come out of Slipknot’s expenses? It’s so difficult to budget on a pension, but I could always ask the window-cleaner to skip a couple of weeks.
To be honest, I’m not emotionally attached to it just because it’s a gas mask, though I have at times been unbelievably entangled in the darned thing. So I have no issue with you suggesting another design, I’m open to ideas. The ones with the zips look quite complicated and I’m wondering how I’d cope having to unfasten my face given my arthritis. And I would prefer something that didn’t cover my ears as I’m a little hard of hearing. However, you boys are quite shouty so I don’t think it would be much of a problem.
Now, you’re probably wondering what I can bring to the band and what talents would qualify me for a place. Well, I do have a very good ear for a tune. Obviously it was better before I started to lose my hearing, but there are certain notes that are unmistakeable. Especially when played at 140 decibels. I also play tambourine for the Salvation Army, but you may need to ‘microphone me up’ so as to be heard over your deafening roar. And as you can see from that, I also know quite a bit of musical terminology.
I’ve been watching your videos to gain a sense of your style and presentation. I think I’m picking up on your favoured themes. I did vomit through the first 3, but that may have been the salmon I had for lunch. Would you mind terribly if I kept my eyes shut whilst filming though, as since I lost my late husband I don’t sleep too well and am easily disturbed by any sights of a horrific or sadistic nature. And you can’t unsee what you’ve seen can you?
Well, I hope that’s everything you may need to know. If you could give me an idea of audition times and book me in for a later slot, I would be most grateful as I’m unable to use my bus pass before 9.30am.