MADAME CHARLATAN

Putting the Shame back into Shaman

tarot-2114403_1920Hello and welcome to my very own column here at The Lockwood Echo. I’m a Clairvoyant and Misfortune-Teller, descended from a long line of mystics that can be traced back through the ages to 1973.

I have been the Teller of Misfortune since 5pm last Wednesday and also write Horrorscopes. I own 3 decks of Tarot Cards; I don’t read them, but they do liven up a game of Gin Rummy.

If you prefer, I can tell your misfortune using the traditional art of Tea Leaf Reading. Although, having had my Food Hygiene Certificate rescinded, I’m no longer allowed to make tea for paying clients, but if you’d like to bring your own teabag we can give it a quick soak under the tap and tear it open into a cup. The results are pretty much the same, but I do offer a discount if using a supermarket own brand as the readings can be a bit vague.

I also offer Palm Readings, though I will ask you to wash your hands first as a little touch of syphilis last year has left me with a slightly vulnerable immune system. And not everyone likes carbolic soap, so you’re more than welcome to bring your own.

Do bookmark my column for future insights and hindsights into your impending misfortune. It’s always useful to know when you are definitely in for a bad day so that you can pop that extra Valium and have your hip-flask filled and ready to hand.

Madame Charlatan

Putting the Shame back into Shaman

 

Cross My Palm With Silver

Old Mother Charlatan

Verrucas & Vol-au-vents

Fondue & Fortune

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