Good afternoon everybody and welcome to week three of Job Club!
Nice to see Brian back, though you may have to stand this week Brian as we have a couple of new members and there aren’t enough chairs to go round. The over 60s Taxidermy Club down the hall asked to borrow an extra chair for their guest speaker. And yes, I did think of telling them to get stuffed, but I have a strong aversion to squirrel entrails so thought it best not to ruffle any feathers. Though I expect they have a special taxidermist’s comb for ruffled feathers. Anyway, I know that standing’s not ideal for you on account of your feet still healing Brian, but professional etiquette dictates that I should sit whilst hosting these sessions as otherwise I could come across as intimidating and condescending. For those of you unfamiliar with the word; condescending is when one talks down to someone. So, let me get comfy and then we’ll begin.
Now, if I can introduce our two newest arrivals then; first of all I’d like to welcome Roland. Roland is currently in work, but as he is here on the recommendation of his boss, it’s a situation that sounds like it may soon change for him. Our other new recruit is Tiffany. Tiffany left school with little in the way of qualifications. But she does know how to pull a pint and is a dab hand with a tattoo gun. Luckily she found a place on a work experience scheme at her local Co-op but, now at the age of 41, feels that she’s outgrown that scheme and maybe it’s time to spread those wings a little.
This week I want to talk to you briefly about your Jobseeker Allowance applications. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can just go away and fill in an online form, to be assessed by the powers that be. You will need tenacity, stamina and stealth to peel your way through the layers of questions and intrusions that lurk within. Set yourself the whole of next week aside because you are going to need at least the first 2 days to find your National Insurance number. And it’s probably only fair to warn you that it may take a further 3 days to locate last year’s P60.
Keep your wits about you, as you will be asked for information you didn’t know existed. You will need mind-reading skills, predictions of the future and a memory for every penny you spent over the last 15 years. But remember you are not alone. That’s one of the reasons for Job Club. It may be an idea to adopt a ‘buddy’ system. Someone you can call on for support and strength when the going gets really tough and you desperately can’t remember the postcode for that flat you shared back in 1998. Anyway, good luck people.
This will be your most difficult challenge yet, but you will emerge ready to take on the world. And I will make myself a note for next week to work on some anger management techniques. I’ll also put together a list of helpful contacts regarding substance abuse. For those not already affected, you may find it becomes an issue over the next few days. Well thankyou everyone and see you next time for Job Club!
The Lockwood Echo 