Good afternoon everyone and welcome to week four of Job Club.
I hope you all managed to apply for your Job Seeker’s Allowance last week. It’s clearly taken its toll. Tiffany, you may need to use a stronger cleanser to remove those mascara stains, they won’t wash off with vodka my lovely. Roland, I hope those pimples around your nose and mouth are hormone related and you’ve not slipped back into your glue-sniffing ways. Poor Loopy-Lou, even more Loopy than last week. If singing that little song and rocking back and forth is helping you to cope with last week’s trauma, then you carry on. I’ll just talk louder if the others can’t hear me. And Brian. Oh Brian, you’ve taken that application hard haven’t you? I did not know they were going to ask you to name the 3rd address on your newspaper delivery round from when you were 13. That was a curveball question and I really hope that you aren’t penalised for not knowing, even though you spent 4 days on Streetview ‘walking’ 15 square miles hoping for something to jog your memory. So, put that all behind you for now as you won’t hear anything till 2019.
This week is all about CVs. It’s very important that your CV shows you off at your best and stands out from all the others. Of course, you could use a glitter pen to achieve that but employers these days are very sophisticated and have clever ways to shortlist candidates. They use Psychometric Tests to narrow down applicants. These ‘Psycho’ Tests are designed to wheedle out the very best. Nobody really understands how they work, least of all the clever-clogs that invented them. They’re usually ‘multiple-choice’ in nature and from my experience you’ll have as much chance of passing using that age-old exam technique of ‘eeny, meeny, miny, mo’.
But first you need to hit them with a professionally structured CV to get you to that all-important Psycho Test stage. They must be brief, so each piece of information you give needs to say more than one thing about you. For example; include your marital status. If you’re married it shows that you are not so gross that another human being couldn’t be near you AND that you will have had experience of being shouted at. However, if you’re single, it will show that you’re quite used to being left on your own AND you will be free to work all the holidays that everyone else has booked off to spend with loved ones.
Any skills, hobbies or interests that make your CV unique should also be added. For instance, if you were milk monitor at primary school, you will endear yourself to employers looking for someone to take on the responsibilities that everyone else hates. Or maybe you looked after the classroom pet stick insect during half-term. As it’s hard to show a caring side to something when you don’t know which way up it is and looks like… well… a stick, future bosses will see that you are a compassionate person, even in difficult circumstances. Be careful not to include any hobbies that could potentially alienate you from a work environment. Medieval torture, dust mite collections, gravy stain photography and human hair crocheting are classic examples of interests that are best kept under wraps, practised privately and not disclosed to your would-be employer. Or the Police. Or Social Services.
So that’s your homework for this week then, a CV that sells you on paper. Remember, the little details could make a big difference. They could land you your dream job or land you in prison. There are some glitter pens on the side here if anyone would like to borrow one and see you all back here next week for Job Club!