Good afternoon everyone and welcome to week seven of Job Club.
Well here we are, week seven already and not a sniff of a job in sight for any of you. However I have to admire your bravery, gumption and disillusioned ambition for the job applications you have submitted so far. Although thoroughly misguided, it shows spirit, pluck and a get-up-and-go attitude which needs to be harnessed before it’s got-up-and-gone.
Loopy-Lou; So you’d like to work with children? Before I help you pursue this, can I just clarify that our definitions match? Children; small miniature human beings that think they own us, the world and everything in it? The little people that scream and throw and demand and shout and demand and cry and demand? Yes? In that case, we can certainly make some enquiries despite you having absolutely no experience or qualifications in this field. I see from this application you’ve prepared, you have some very strong ideas and you’ve clearly outlined your hopes and ambitions. If you don’t mind me reading aloud and sharing with the group?;
‘I’ve longed to work with children, probably since as far back as when I decided I didn’t want any. Over the years, I’ve given much thought to what I would teach children to make my world – and theirs – a better place. My aim is a very simple one. I would like to teach them to Sit Down, Stay Still and Shut Up.’
Well Loopy-Lou, maybe we could start by finding you something where you taught very basic maths and a few manners, then we could set up a job search alert using keywords such as ‘Disciplinarian’, ‘Tyrant’ and ‘You Are Not The Boss Of Me’.
Brian; Your application to the French Foreign Legion, based purely on your knowledge of a couple of French phrases, was both gutsy and audacious. Having no prior military training, nor even having seen any of the classic army films such as Stripes, Private Benjamin or Hot Shots Part Deux, you took it upon yourself to try and enlist as a member of one of the world’s most elite fighting forces. We’re so sorry to hear that you were unsuccessful. Your attempt at fluent French during recruitment was inspiring. Un-translatable, but inspiring. And not having been to France since junior school, I too did not know that ‘Pot Pourri’ isn’t a term used in everyday conversation over there. Nor are you speaking French by putting the word ‘Le’ or ‘La’ in front of every noun. The string of onions around your neck did certainly add some authenticity, but they were a trifle cumbersome on the assault course. I think you were possibly marked down for that. But don’t be disheartened Brian, there are many armies the world over, one of them is bound to speak your language.
Tiffany; I’ll be honest, I did not believe you, my lovely, when you said you’d seen a vacancy at ‘Shoppy McShop Face’. I did some research, and indeed this establishment does exist. Obviously it’s entirely your decision as to whether you feel you are capable of such a role. I know you have experience in retail, but after speaking to one of your former colleagues, I feel it’s only fair to be straight with you and advise against applying. Now, don’t shoot the messenger – I’m just quoting what I heard, but it seems your ex-colleague doesn’t feel you have the right character for shop work. You need to be an outgoing and confident person, whereas you’re a bit of a wallflower with a lack-lustre personality. Not really what the general public needs when they’re buying their Men’s Health mag and a Mint Aero. I’d hate to see you deal with rejection so early on in this process. As you never have much to say for yourself nor seem to have much of a social life, maybe look for a ‘behind the scenes’ kind of job where you won’t have to mix with other people.
Roland; I’m not quite sure where to send your application to be a Power Ranger. I’ve a suspicion they don’t actually have a postal address. But we won’t let that deter us. If you want to be a Power Ranger and it’s been your burning ambition since you were 28, then we won’t let a minor detail like them not existing in real life stop you. I know you have your heart set on becoming a Green Power Ranger, but you may have to start at the bottom and be another colour until you’ve got the hang of all the fighting and stuff. I’m sure they’ll promote internally, but like any company they may have a legal obligation to advertise any post externally. That’s just the way of the world. This one and the imaginary one. I see you’ve included all relevant experience and attributes. Obviously, looking good in Spandex and a crash helmet will be high on the list of essential qualifications. As will being able to jump in the air and land in different poses. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you on this one Roland, especially as I hear from your boss that your P45 could arrive any day now.
Well, that was quite a session. I feel we’ve all learned a few new things about each other. And it’s a particularly sad day as this is in fact our last meeting. I feel I’ve helped you all I can. I’ve shared all my experience of being unemployed, it’s only fair that I now let you venture out into the ugly world of work and use that knowledge to humiliate and debase yourselves, I only hope I’ve degraded you enough in preparation. No need to thank me.
Brian, Tiffany, Loopy-Lou and Roland, you each have unique skills. I can’t for the life of me imagine who would employ you, but I wish you lots of luck. Your tenacity shows no limits even though your intelligence does.
Farewell all.
Note From The Editor; Following 2 redundancies, in quick succession, Job Club evolved to offer a bit of light-hearted relief for the amusement of myself and a couple of friends who were unhappy in their jobs. Although on the whole a work of fiction, sadly some of the experiences were based in reality. Not the Power Ranger application. I never did that. To anyone facing redundancy and unemployment, I wish with all my heart you are able to find a resolution soon. And some humour.
The Lockwood Echo 