Student Membership & Insurance Administration Department,
British Martial Arts & Boxing Association.
I understand you are the people to contact regarding my obtaining a Licence and Insurance to become a Mixed Martial Arts Fighter.
I am new to this sport so I’ll bring you up to speed on what I’ve gleaned so far and maybe you could let me know if there is anything else I need for my application.
Firstly, as many of my friends have asked, what the blazes am I thinking of wanting to participate in MMA? Well, it does seem to pay very well. I appreciate as a beginner, I couldn’t expect to walk away (hobble away, be carried away, scooped up and coffined away) with the £millions that the top flight professional fighters win. But I would be most content earning enough to treat myself to the odd Marks & Spencer’s £10 Meal Deal and a cheeky Port & Lemon on the way back from the butchers.
I expect my documentation will need to quote my ‘fighting’ name. I’ve thought through some options and have settled on ‘Gerta The Hurter’, even though my name’s not Gerta. Which also got me thinking about what I’d wear. I know there are some rules regarding attire, one of which is ‘no shoes’, so I’ve made a mental note to give myself a quick pedicure and get my toenails painted before my first fight as I’ve not got the best looking feet. My bunions make me self-conscious, but the skimpy costume should take my mind of that as I’ll be more concerned about keeping me baps nailed down. I don’t want to give myself a black-eye once it all starts to kick off. As I’m a beginner, I’m acutely aware that I don’t yet have the muscles of the seasoned fighters but I’ve seen an excellent video on YouTube of how to use make-up and bronzing powders to create the effect of contours, and as long as I keep moving hopefully no-one will spot the difference.
I assume to gain my Licence I will have to demonstrate my knowledge for the rules. I’ve had a bit of a read up and think I’ve grasped the basics;
NO SWEARING: That will be a tough one to stick by as I expect some of those punches are going to smart. I’ll do what my Gran used to do and shout ‘Fudge Nuggets’ instead.
NO INTENTIONALLY THROWING OPPONENT OUT OF THE RING: Well, some days I feel I’d wet myself just picking up a pencil, so I’m unlikely to do this. And if I did, it’d be accidental, which seems to be acceptable.
NO EYE GOUGING: I like my eyes, so I’ll probably pop on a pair of swimming goggles for protection. Just to be on the safe side.
NO FINGERS IN THE OPPONENT’S ORIFICES: Don’t worry, if this were to happen inadvertently, I’d knock myself out to finish the fight.
NO KICKING TO THE KIDNEYS WITH A HEEL: Very grateful for this rule as my kidneys already ache. My doctor says it’s because of the alcohol, but I only ever drink in the evenings and this sport does look like thirsty work.
Something I read said there had to be a stretcher and emergency oxygen available ringside, I’m hoping that is something the organisers will provide as I have no idea where I’d lay my hands on either of those. Or how I’d get them to a venue on my pushbike.
Well, I think I’ve covered everything. If you could let me know who I make my application fee payable to and where I should send details of my next of kin and funeral music wishes.