To;

The General Dentist Council (Dentistry Governing Body for the UK)

Dear GDC

I have a proposition to put to you that I think you’ll agree could be a unique solution to an age-old problem. How many times have you heard the following;

‘I don’t want to go to the dentist.’

‘I’m scared to go to the dentist.’

‘Haven’t been to the dentist for years.’

These phrases are all too familiar. Going to the dentist is a big deal. I have therefore come up with the perfect solution. The Mobile Dentist. No longer will you need to go to the dentist, the dentist comes to YOU!

I would like to get started straight away as I know there are many frightened people out there with very bad teeth. Now, I don’t have the necessary qualifications yet and there seems to be a minimum 5 years training. Nor do I have the basic academic requirements to even enrol on the course. But I could make a start on those exams at night school, allowing me to be a Mobile Dentist during the day. I’m more than happy to get going without all those fancy letters after my name. To be honest, I think qualified dentists just use them to show off, but it makes them look elitist. Not conducive to a relaxing environment. I think the important skills to have when you’re taking a hacksaw to someone’s teeth is to know how to deal with their pain and fear. And I have an excellent George Michael mixtape for that. Soothing, comforting, a voice like liquid honey, perfect for that hammer and chisel root canal work.

As I’m new to this line of work, I’m still putting together my ‘kitbag’ of essential tools and equipment. Obviously dentistry is a very specialised area of medical practice and you can’t just pop down to your local hardware store for the required apparatus. I know, I’ve looked. Though I did pick up a mini-vac, the sort you would use on your computer keyboard. It’ll be perfect for sucking out saliva. I don’t really have the budget to purchase a full range of professional gadgets but I’m a resourceful kind of person and have managed to put together some basic accoutrements;

Examination Mirror. Lurking in the back of my garage is an old wing-mirror from a Ford Fiesta I owned many years back. It came off in a drive-thru Safari Park incident. The car’s long gone, but the mirror will be extremely useful for checking those hard to reach molar cavities.

Wooden tongue spatula. I know these aren’t expensive to buy, but every penny counts. Fortunately I’ve always saved my ice lolly sticks, as they have a million uses in the arts and crafts class that I go to. I’ve got a big bagful under my kitchen sink. They’ll be just perfect.

Eye protection. When I go to the dentist they always give me a pair of Perspex glasses to protect my eyes from bits of flying tooth and stray spit. Health and safety will be paramount as a mobile dentist. An issue I take very seriously. I will therefore provide a ski mask for my patients to wear.

Dental Probe. It’s surprising how many sharp pointy objects one has around the house. A thorough rummage one afternoon, whilst I was waiting for Judge Judy to start, threw up all manner of options. Kebab skewers, toenail scissors, assorted pins and even a pair of knitting needles I didn’t know I had. All really useful substitutes. And all really really pointy.

Well, I think that should get me up and running.

All I need now is a list of terrified patients.

Kind regards…….

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