It has come to my notice that the Head Coach of the British Bobsleigh Team has recently resigned. Not wishing to miss an opportunity of employment and a pay check, I’ve decided to apply for the now vacant position.

F.A.O

The British Bobsleigh and Skeleton Association

I read in the news today that the Head Coach of your Bobsleigh Team has offered his resignation. I’m sure you’re all sorry to see him go and I’ll join you in wishing him all the best for his future, but no doubt you will be keen to quickly find a replacement.

Allow me to introduce myself; I know absolutely nothing about Bob or his Sleigh, but I do know quite a bit about Father Christmas and his Reindeer, so it’s not like I’d be coming into this role as a complete novice. I also absolutely love winter, so you will not find anyone happier to plonk on a woolly hat, button up an overcoat and don some mittens to go messing around in the snow.

Now, as I understand it, bobsleigh is just sledging, but really really fast? And the idea of the game is to be the fastest? I notice you use 4 people on your bobsleighs and the whole race relies on manpower. Have you thought about adding a little outboard motor? Not only would it increase your power, but the heat from the engine would melt the ice underneath and maybe help speed things up a bit.

The other idea I had was for the women’s team. Calling it a ‘Bob’ sleigh does seem a tad chauvinistic and I’m sure they must find it somewhat disenfranchising and would prefer to head off down that icy death slide, risking life and limb, under a much more feminine moniker. Rather than just replace the name Bob with a girl’s name, how about something that really identifies them as female, like the ‘Women’s British Boob Sleigh Team’, or the ‘Women’s British Get Outta My Way I’ve Got PMT Sleigh Team’? Or maybe something radically different and with a showbiz vibe such as ‘Four Peas In A Pod’ or ‘Lips ‘n’ Lashes & Pretty Quick Dashes’. Just throwing some ideas out there. Feel it would offer a less sexist environment for the girls to train in.

Ideas for changes aside, I’ve been flat on my backside having slipped on ice more times than I can remember, so completely understand the risks involved in this dangerous sport. The bruises can be quite unsightly. Mine usually go all the colours of the rainbow before they fade completely so I’ll be sure to bring along a supply of Arnica Cooling Gel to the training sessions. I appreciate it won’t fix a broken neck, but it should help keep any swelling down.

Well, I hope that’s assured you that I’d take the role seriously and have lots of interesting ideas for the teams. If I’m invited to interview, please do remind me to mention my idea for a new Christmas themed Lycra race suit. Thank you for your time.

Kind regards…….

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