Madame Charlatan. Telling Misfortunes under a fog of musk and a cloud of fag-ash…….
As promised, by way of celebrating my Food Hygiene Certificate being reinstated, I will be hosting a little soirée. My next door neighbour’s brother-in-law has helped me design a poster to make it look like a bona-fide event. It seemed only right that food should feature, so I’ve decided to dust of the fondue set and invite you all (for the price of a ticket) to Madame Charlatan’s Fondue & Fortune Evening.
We will start proceedings with a little welcome drink. I’ll pick up some cans of lager from the off-licence and there’ll be Panda Pops for anyone who’s teetotal, pregnant or driving. It’ll give us chance to get to know each other and for me to gather some little details that will help me predict your misfortune once we’ve eaten.
It’ll be a traditional cheese fondue. For dipping I’ll defrost a bag of prawns, chop up a tin of corned beef, and for those preferring a healthy or vegetarian option, I’ll open a tin of peaches. My little twist on that classic cheese and pineapple combination. You will need to bring your own cutlery though.
My fondue set was in fact a wedding present, and me and my late husband used it countless times. If you don’t own one, I can highly recommend them. They are so versatile. And not only for fondue. We used to take ours camping and the fondue pot was the perfect size for washing our little dog’s paws in after a muddy walk. Over the years we’ve used that pot to bleach dishcloths, catch spiders; we even used it as a fishbowl once. When Old Mother Charlatan lived with us, she used it to soak her dentures in. Lent itself to all manner of things. Such a shame it’s been sat in a cupboard under the sink gathering drips and dust since my husband passed, it’ll be nice to make it the star of my Fondue & Fortune shindig.
I don’t want to divulge too much about the Misfortune Telling part of the evening, as it tarnishes the mystique and people can come with pre-conceived ideas of what to expect. My talent is inexplicable. And sometimes escapable. As gifted as I am, even I can’t always predict how the heavens will align. Some say it can be done with scientific knowledge and mathematical calculation. But we can’t see the moon all day every day, how can we possibly know where it or the planets are at any given time. Therefore I ask that you come to any of my Misfortune Tellings with an open mind and low expectations.
Tickets are available now. As I said before, I can’t be putting Fig Rolls on a plate for free and that price does include your welcome drink. I may even have a dig around for some of the old camping photos so you can see just how handy that fondue pan has been.
Putting the Shame back into Shaman