A not insignificant dollop of snow has fallen in my part of the UK. What one would describe as a ‘decent’ amount. A snowfall worth its effort, not just like we’ve been the victim of a severe dusting of icing sugar. A few years since we’ve experienced this kind of Winter Wonderland. And nothing more wondrous than to go walking in it…….

Hold up. Back up. Reverse your words young lady. Walking? In –  The –  Snow? What are you? A freakin’ polar bear? (Though given my pre-Christmas calorie intake, I am working on that). We don’t do Walking In The Snow. We do inching, we do faltering, we do waddling, but we don’t do walking.

ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE:
Harnessing their inner penguin. Walking with confidence, eyes front, and in fashion boots for heaven’s sake.
ME:
Ok as long as I go in a straight line. Do not expect me to bear left or right. I will need some form of strong structural support to hang on to if I’m to execute a change of direction.

ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE:
Dressed for work, college, school.
ME:
Dressed for Base Camp. Complete with crampons, carabiners and an electrolyte drink mix.

ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE:
‘Oh it’s stopped snowing. I wish it could snow forever. It’s so pretty and makes everything feel magical’.
ME:
‘Shit. It’s still snowing. I’m never gonna feel my toes again. I’m never gonna see my home again. Say goodbye to my cat for me. I love you all…….’
Although it HAD stopped snowing. The white flashing flecks before my eyes were a visual disturbance brought on by a plummeting core temperature, uncharacteristic exertion and perceived lack of oxygen.

ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE:
‘We can go sledding, skiing, throw snowballs. DO YOU WANNA BUILD A SNOWMAN?’
ME:
‘NO I DON’T WANT TO BUILD A CHUFFIN’ SNOWMAN! Why? BECAUSE I’M FROZEN! I value my fingertips, I value my nose. And I actually quite valued that carrot you’ve just pinched from my veg basket.’

ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE:
‘Let’s head to the lake and go ice-skating. We can pirouette and glide to our heart’s content.’
ME:
Why would I leave the comfort and warmth of my home, go somewhere I wouldn’t even visit in nice weather and strap knives to my feet? All for the likelihood of a plaster cast. No thankyou.

ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE:
Glowing cheeks. Twinkling eyes. Faux fur trimmed hats, gloves and knickers.
ME:
Snot frozen to my upper lip. Icicles of mascara streaming down my face. Duvet sized coat; so ridiculously thick that I’m unable to put my arms down by my side. Looks like I’m playing aeroplanes. And so cold I’ve not been undressed for weeks, thus can’t even remember what kind of knickers I’ve got on!

If you enjoyed this, you may like to join me for that classic Christmas Calorie, I mean Carol; The Twelve Stones of Christmas. Or visit Madame Charlatan as she prepares to drop in at the old folks home to see her Mother for a Charlatan Christmas.