SofaWear™

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This is SofaBear™. Not to be confused with SofaWear™. If you dress like this, you need more help than I can offer.

I recent rare Sunday off found me & my other half lazily relaxed on our sofa, bellies full of breakfast, nowhere to be and still in our pyjamas. It was lunchtime.

‘Shall we go get washed and dressed then?’ I ventured.

‘Hush your mouth!’ came the reply.

Even our cat had only summoned all four paws long enough to eat his morning meal before sneaking off back to bed.

Eventually I cracked. An unwanted sense of civility pushed my fattening ass upstairs into the shower.

By this time it was 2pm, but my choice of ‘daywear’ suggested I’d got dressed in the dark. A questionable ensemble that, despite it now including underwear, was for all intents and purposes another form of PJ’s.

I christened this ensemble SofaWear™. The definition being ‘items of clothing that are purchased in the nightwear department but you could get away with answering the door if you really had to’. (Though I would suggest a more co-ordinated selection than the mish-mash I found myself in). I did a hashtag search. It seems I’d coined a phrase. A unique and modern moniker for a long-established way of dressing.

That’s not entirely true. 4 other people, in the history of Twitter have used #sofawear. 3 used it within the definition I’ve christened. But not since 2013. And the 4th used it in relation to her handmade clothes using material covered in pretty pink chairs; as in ‘this is wear, it’s covered in sofas’. So I still feel justified in slapping a Trademark on the whole shebang cos no-one else did. Oh, but I haven’t Googled it, as I’d be sure to have my ‘millionaire this side of July’ bubble burst. Ignorance really is bliss.

And indeed, the idea of clothes for slobbing around the house in is not a new concept. Lounge Pants, Onesies, Slipper Socks, all utterly comfy and not technically pyjamas, but their raison d’être is for slobbing. What SofaWear™ offers is the deception that you are dressed for the day and not just loafing. Any unexpected visitor will be tricked into believing you have been up and dressed for hours, ready for anything, but the clothes’ true function is for your comfort, manoeuvrability (easily being able to adopt a nap position without adjusting belts, pocket contents or knicker elastic) and that wonderful ‘I feel like I’m still in bed’ coziness.

 

To help you get the most out of the practicalities and subterfuge of SofaWear™, I’ve put together some handy tips;

Busy patterns and bold prints are your friend if you intend to devour a hideous amount of food whilst slumming it. The two activities naturally go hand in hand. My SofaWear™ is designed to be worn for a couple of weeks between washes, so disguise those salsa stains and butter blobs with psychedelic decoration, much like how a pub carpet hides spilt beer and chewing gum.

A trouser leg with a cuff can look like pyjama bottoms when worn with a shoe. So for days where there is the unthinkable possibility you may have to step out of the front door (to put the bin out, raid the parking change in the car for the electric meter or quickly nip to the corner shop for a much needed KitKat and bottle of red), it really is worth opting for a loose hemmed style. DO NOT be tempted to add slippers. This will blow your cover and neighbours will realise you’re not really in day clothes and you’ve probably not washed either. Which you probably haven’t. The fabric of your SofaWear™ will be screaming ‘casual’ so keep that balance by opting for an open toe sandal or flip flops if it’s summer.

A little trick I use if I do get an unexpected knock on the door is to quickly grab a duster and a can of polish (always keep at the front of a cupboard for such purposes). Don’t worry, you’re not going to use them. You are going to open the door, sounding slightly out of breath, duster in hand, looking to the world like you’ve just run from upstairs where you were immersed in housework. Remember to turn your video game sound off and brush the sugar from your face or your ‘up and dressed’ illusion will quickly turn as sour as those gummy bears you just gorged.

So there you have it. If ‘can’t be arsed but need to look like a functioning adult’ sounds like you, SofaWear™ is here to help. Available now in the nightwear department in Never Never Land.

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