Things I Don’t Understand


Life is full of mystery and quandary. The Internet and World Wide Web are the great modern inventions for finding answers to the seemingly unanswerable. Alas, even the all-knowing Google is unable to satisfactorily explain the following conundrums;


    • Why crying makes your hair greasy.
    • Why I can’t operate a simple resealable foodbag.
    • Why I can’t fry an egg without sacrificing a pan each time.
    • Clingfilm.
    • What qualifies as an ‘unexpected item’ in the bagging area? Supermarkets sell a lot of stuff. Maybe a flamingo? A flamingo would be quite unexpected.
    • Why they keep trying to re-invent yoghurt. Every other advert. Stop already. We have enough varieties of yoghurt thankyouverymuch.
    • Why people can’t eat with their mouths shut.
    • Why you don’t see white dog poo any more.
    • Why ‘half-fat’ isn’t permission to eat twice as much.
    • Why there are so many types of shampoo.
      Offer me 10, I’ll narrow it down to 1.
      Offer me 30, I’ll narrow it down to 3.
      Offer me 100 and you’ll need to put a call out; ‘Spillage in aisle 4’.
      Because I’ll have either wet myself from stress or my brain will have exploded.
    • Why my cat won’t get up when I remind him of the time.
    • Why we’re meant to clean self-cleaning ovens.
    • Why my fat won’t melt if I stand next to a heater.
    • Why it’s a trend for singers to not pronounce words properly. Adopting strange vowel sounds and trailing off before they’ve sung the last ‘t’. Stop it. Now. Sing the words as they’re written. And like an adult, not a 3 year old.
    • Why my junior school made me eat tapioca pudding.
    • How girls (or boys) with long nails get face cream out of those little pots. And then manage to put it on their faces.
    • Why each season presents me with 4 types of skin rash. All unique in their location and intensity. Some I can have a good scratch at, some it’s best I don’t.

    Do you have questions you need answered? Can you answer any of these?
    Questions and answers on a postcard please to;

    The Editor
    The Lockwood Echo
    Never Never Land

    Or you could use the comments section below. It’s free.


  1. 😂😂😂
    OK. I’ve forbidden my boyfriend from using a spatella while cooking eggs. Until he buys me a new pan. You should SEE my pans. 😡

    My cat not only will not get up when asked, he usually pulls me down with him into a lazy, cuddle oblivion. 😻

    DYING about singers not pronouncing words and sounding like 3 year olds 👶 That is so true! In the car I just make a general, “rarrrr rerrr rarrr rar rar” noise whenever I want to sing along.
    Toddler singing pop stars 😂 That should be a sketch.

    Thanks for the laughs as always!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to seriously catch up on your bloggy, I’m so sorry! I just jumped into this one and I’m giggling! About the singers not pronouncing words…oh, please YouTube Dana Carvey Broccoli Song. It’s too funny and goes with what you said.
    You are a gem of wit and hilarity and loveliness and I am a crappy bloggery friend 😭😉🖤💜💙🌲🌲❤️☃️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh don’t be daft my lovely, I struggle to keep up with all the reading too. Happy to have you dip in whenever time and fancy allow. I shall go YouTube the Broccoli Song and report back 😉


      • Ha! Yes! I don’t get why they do it, such a trend for it lately. Are they trying to outdo themselves with emotion? If you’re that heartbroken you can’t even sing the words, go off, have a little cry, come back when you’re feeling stronger and sing properly so we can understand why you’re sad!


  3. I call that style of singing ‘doing a poo singing’. You know when they sound like they are straining? I waaaaaannntt yyooooooeewwww!’ *strain* I also hate it when the don’t enunciate and what’s with the bloody yoghurt! So true

    Liked by 1 person

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