Life is full of mystery and quandary. The Internet and World Wide Web are the great modern inventions to find answers to the seemingly unanswerable. Alas, even the all-knowing Google is unable to satisfactorily explain the following conundrums;
I DON’T UNDERSTAND…….
- Why crying makes your hair greasy.
- Why I can’t operate a simple resealable foodbag.
- Why I can’t fry an egg without sacrificing a pan each time.
- What qualifies as an ‘unexpected item’ in the bagging area? Supermarkets sell a lot of stuff. Maybe a flamingo? A flamingo would be quite unexpected.
- Why they keep trying to re-invent yoghurt. Every other advert. Stop already. We have enough varieties of yoghurt thankyouverymuch.
- Why people can’t eat with their mouths shut.
- Why you don’t see white dog poo any more.
- Why ‘half-fat’ isn’t permission to eat twice as much.
- Why there are so many types of shampoo.
Offer me 10, I’ll narrow it down to 1.
Offer me 30, I’ll narrow it down to 3.
Offer me 100 and you’ll need to put a call out; ‘Spillage in aisle 4’.
Because I’ll have either wet myself from stress or my brain will have exploded.
- Why my cat won’t get up when I remind him of the time.
- Why we’re meant to clean self-cleaning ovens.
- Why my fat won’t melt if I stand next to a heater.
- Why it’s a trend for singers to not pronounce words properly. Adopting strange vowel sounds and trailing off before they’ve sung the last ‘t’. Stop it. Now. Sing the words as they’re written. And like an adult, not a 3 year old.
- Why my junior school made me eat tapioca pudding.
- How girls (or boys) with long nails get face cream out of those little pots. And then manage to put it on their faces.
- Why each season presents me with 4 types of skin rash. All unique in their location and intensity. Some I can have a good scratch at, some it’s best I don’t.
Do you have questions you need answered? Can you answer any of these?
Questions and answers on a postcard please to;
The Lockwood Echo
Never Never Land
Or you could use the comments section below. It’s free.