You may recall my boastful piece featuring some of the many famous people I’ve met over the years. Glitterati: The A List was a real who’s who of some of the entertainment world’s movers and shakers. So as not to intimidate my readers with these untouchable celebrities, I’ve been busy recording the B Side.
Here then is a group of well-known faces that have not yet secured their own fragrance deal and who I’ve been
unlucky lucky to have met and called friend.
Some of them just that one time.
All of them just that one time.
I bumped into Minnie Mouse at a festival. She was working her best Boho Chic and judging from her wide-eyed expression, I suspected some illegal highs were at play. She was happy to have her photo taken, but although it looks like we’re hugging, I’m actually holding her up. This stoned rodent was so off her face, she couldn’t speak. I found her ‘armless though. I was worried about her comedown, maybe not knowing where she was or even who she was. I left a little mirror in the hope that the sight of those big ears would prompt her memory.
Purring silently by the roadside, I first mistook the Cheshire Cat for Gnasher from ‘The Beano’. That manic stare and those impossibly large teeth were enough to fool anyone. It was only when I caught a whiff of utter disdain that I knew this was all feline. Managed to get a photo before he disappeared. As we parted company, I noticed that a neighbourhood dog had shown Chessie exactly what it thought of giant cats cluttering up the pavement. It was probably Gnasher.
A hot day in the middle of summer. Not the likeliest scenario for meeting Frosty The Snowman, but there you have it. Normally coming to life at the opposite end of the year, Frosty gave me a surprisingly warm and sweaty hug. As it turned out Frosty was a Snowwoman and just as jolly as the song suggested. Despite being a bit embarrassed about her dirty feet, Frosty had a smile and a wave for everyone. More use to slushing around on ice than walking on cobbles, she’d neglected to pack appropriate footwear for her out of season trip. But thanks to technology made possible by NASA scientists, her scarf hid a Fridge-O-Matic-Thermal-Crystaliser Unit™ which helped stop her head from melting off. I said I looked forward to seeing her at Christmas, gave her our address then pointed her in the direction of the Cairngorms.
To be fair, I made an assumption this was Prince Charming. Why else would a man-size frog be blocking my path? If I’d known THAT day was THE day, I’d have worn something princess-y. But I was dressed for an autumn ramble around some gardens, not for meeting my future husband. One didn’t even have one’s tiara in one’s knapsack, just some Dairylea Dunkers and a packet of wet wipes. Still, I attempted to procure my destiny in the time-honoured fashion. I kissed my Prince. He tasted of stone. It did cross my mind that it might just be a garden ornament and not my portal to a Royal dimension. I don’t know the timescale for frog/prince transitioning, so I keep a pair of glass slippers in my bag, just in case I see Prince Charming on his trusty stead, trotting towards me whilst I’m waiting for the bus.
Dougal from the Magic Roundabout. Always up to no good. Here I am giving him a piece of my mind after he was SO rude to me. All I wanted was an autograph and to say ‘Hi’, but that manky canine poked his tongue out then went running off in circles! I couldn’t stay mad at him after he looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes. Dumb mutt.
Madame Butterfly has let herself go a bit. After her staged suicide, which she’d faked to get away from that awful singing, she boarded the next Sampan heading to London and got herself a job waitressing. As you can see, she’s eating more burgers than she’s serving and has fallen victim to the pressure to preserve her youthful looks and had lip injections. Didn’t seem to be impairing her eating ability.
Me and Winnie The Pooh go way back. To the beginning of time in fact. That’s how it seems. I can’t remember not loving this bear. This ‘tubby old cubby all stuffed with fluff’ really is a ‘willy nilly silly old bear’ and he has a big piece of my heart tucked up inside that daft little ill-fitting jumper of his.
If you enjoyed the B Side, you will find the A List just as randomly oblique. If you enjoyed it so much you feel you’d like to spread the fun and frivolity, please seek out the sharing buttons below. Your votes WILL count, you won’t be charged, but you may be recorded. Further obliqueness can be found on my Twitter feed. And if anyone sees a Prince wandering aimlessly as though he’d been kissed by a beautiful girl (ME!) (you bastards), perhaps you’d be good enough to point him towards my Contact Page. Thankyou kindly.