Damn auto-correct. Of course that title is meant to read ‘Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining’. Because I’m a ray of fucking sunshine and only see goodness and light. (Shut up you at the back. I’m trying to curate an online presence where people seek me out for the sheer joy I bring to the world. If I stood by every Freudian slip that exposes my pessimistic bitterness, my readers would go get their fun elsewhere).
So what particular silver linings am I referring to? Well, I’m now into my third week of Influenza. The Flu. Don’t tell me it’s probably just a cold. I upgraded to Defcon 3 within the first 4 days, we’re way beyond the humble cold virus here. But as The Lockwood Echo strives to find humour in the dark, even after the last spare battery has died and something unseen keeps blowing out the candle, the search was on for any chink of positive light. An upside, some hope, a reason to crawl on to a new dawn.
And, you lucky people, here it is. From the depths of discomfort, I’ve found some agreeable side-effects to mitigate the misery;
- Stomach toning exercise: Dragging your left lung up and out of your right nostril isn’t without its benefits. The continual contraction of those stomach muscles are defining themselves into a six-pack with every hack. Although, you may find yourself with a seven-or-more-pack as the strain of all that coughing is likely to make at least one of those muscles rip itself in two.
- Introvert Heaven: Larynx inflammation renders it pointless answering the phone, even if you wanted to. Although your inner vixen hears your strep throat with husky undertones, your vocal chords are delivering ‘donkey on 60-a-day’, and no-one wants to hear that. And no-one wants to see you with snot in your hair, so best you stay indoors where introverts belong.
- Drugs: Although not strictly recreational, all that Benylin and Paracetamol can start to make you feel woozy. And that’s a damn fine feeling when your face is pulsating under the weight of 7 gallons of mucus. So whilst every cell in your body is thinking up new ways to die, enjoy the delirium, kick back, let yourself be entertained by those flying pink elephants.
- Dereliction Of Duties: However
incapablecapable you are at grown-up life whilst well, that ability will take a nosedive during a period of illness. You can therefore hardly be blamed for deserting your post as wife/husband/significant other/mother/father/domestic goddess/airline pilot. Your capacity to make decisions/make dinner/make away with the postman will be significantly diminished, so it’s best you don’t even try, rather than make a fool of yourself. Fortunately, what little emotional and physical strength you have will suffice for survival during these dark days. Just enough willpower to clean your teeth, so that the fur growing in your mouth isn’t harbouring new lifeforms. And just enough strength to stir a rehydrated pot of sloppy food and press buttons on your tv remote.
So if you’re currently poorly, especially if like me, you have Influenza with a capital ‘I’, I hope these observations have brought you some encouragement and made you feel a little bit better.
If you’re in need of a cure for something nasal in nature, may I direct you to the rather intriguing yet torturous apparatus known as the ‘Neti Pot’. I have never heard of one, but Cecilia over at Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks has written and ILLUSTRATED WITH CAVE PAINTINGS everything you need to know about the Neti Pot, its benefits and how not to use it;
‘However, Nate did not trust my water-boiling skills because he’s seen me shout, “close enough!” when making eggs.’
A very funny read indeed. Have a look round while you’re there, this lady knows how to tell a humorous tale.
As lighthearted as this post is, I genuinely wish a speedy recovery to anyone reading who is under the weather or suffering with ill-health. Be it short-term or long-term, may there be many silver linings. Wishing you all well.
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